If Hillary Clinton is Bank of America, Donald Trump is a Burning Liposuction Dumpster with a Cash Slot in the Lid.

There’s an adage that I tend to agree with that says you should never love or trust someone who endeavors a career in politics. I’m not saying that I believe all politicians are untrustworthy…there’s certainly the rare exception (I think Bernie may be one of those exceptions) but dammit it’s a good rule of thumb. Politicians are dirty people. They are dirty people who we hire to do dirty jobs. They don’t necessarily have your best interests in mind…they don’t love and care about you…they are tasked with making the law (not justice, the law, there’s a difference) work for the majority of people the majority of the time in a large and diverse country. Most politicians get into the game for personal gain, or for prestige, or because they are deluded enough to think they can run everyone’s life better than anyone else. Are they all corrupt? Probably. Are they all morally flexible? Definitely. That’s their damn job. They are appointed by us to perform a dance of perpetual compromise regarding all of the issues we don’t agree on, because if they didn’t you and I would have to kill each other in the streets over things like property lines and parking hours and the legal sale of condoms and whether or not my kids can go to your kids’ school.

There is no white knight, there is no fix-it Jesus in a suit (except my mechanic, Jesus: he is a damn miracle worker), there are just people, mostly ethically gray ones, trying to make the best decisions they can. YOU ARE ALWAYS VOTING FOR THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS.

But there is this pervasive thing in America…this bug that…as we continue to de-intellectualize…keeps spreading. People expect a politician, especially a President, to be their patriarch, their pastor, their mommy, daddy, best friend and lover (I’m your pusherman) and they vote based on that hope, that infatuation. This is what led to the rise of Donald Trump. A Trump vote doesn’t make sense mathematically, logically, logistically, empirically, however you want to put it…it’s simply an emotion vote. Trump supporters love Trump. It’s a fact. Like Percy Sledge said: “If she (Trump) is bad, he can’t see it”.

Related: it’s super fun to tell super anti-gay male Trump supporters that the reason they are acting so crazy lately is because they are in love with a dude…from his small hands to his big schtick, they ‘bout it. Love is a MFer, man. It’ll turn you out without you even knowing.

And I’m not just picking on Republicans here. I saw how many of my liberal friends turned on Obama in his first term when he didn’t immediately cradle them in his arms and hand them as much change as Daddy promised. And Obama, in my opinion, has been pretty damn fantastic to most Americans.

What I’m saying is this:

Picking the best politician is like picking the best bank to put your money in. Are they all pretty much the worst? Sure. Are they all gonna screw you? Absolutely. But, unless you are ready to protect your money with a mattress, a shotgun and an intricate system of bells and wires, you have to pick the least shitty one. And in this case, the choice is clear.

If Hillary Clinton is Bank of America, Donald Trump is a burning liposuction dumpster with a cash slot in the lid. No matter what type of way you FEEL about her, Hillary is absolutely the lesser of two evils.

So when I hear people say that they’re going to protest-vote this year, I have to think that, despite the fact that they are, essentially casting a vote for Donald Trump, they are also doing it for the same reason as the average Trump voter. Emotion, bros.

So if you’re non-voting because you are as comfortable with the tenets of a Trump America as you are with a Hillary America, or you’re voting Green but you’ve never been a part of the Green party and you’re comfortable with Jill Stein’s investment portfolio, or you’re voting Libertarian and you have no idea what the Libertarian party actually believes (repealing statutory rape laws and such) or if you’re gonna write in Bernie, but you haven’t been listening to anything he’s actually saying about flipping Congress and giving him a louder voice and/or you were not out beating the streets or raising money or making cool ass YouTube videos for him a year ago, I am hereby publicly calling you out on two counts:

A) You’re a poser. Straight up and down. You are protest-voting or non-voting because you want to be able to say that you are like, pretty chill and anti-establishment on your Tinder, or you are self centered enough to think that not voting or voting for something you don’t get (or didn’t get til after it was cool…burrrrn) is a meaningful, influential act of protest.

B) You are so detached from American diversity that you think just because Trump America would be OK for you, it doesn’t matter what it would mean for the millions of people who would lose some-or-all of their rights as Americans. I’m trying to avoid the word privilege here, man, like I really am.

So, I guess what I’m saying to independents like myself, non-voters, protest voters and otherwise undecided voters is: grow the fuck up. Think of somebody else for a change. Swallow this one…cast righteous votes all the way down the ballot…and then start doing actual work to improve things for as many people as possible in this debatably great but definitely unique and potent country.

Built the grid so I could spend more time off of it. https://lrigwoc.myshopify.com/

Built the grid so I could spend more time off of it. https://lrigwoc.myshopify.com/