Mitch McConnell’s Health Care Bill is Breathtakingly Gorgeous

Maybe it is entirely beautiful, universally beneficial, compassionate and complex, but only in its sleek simplicity. MAYBE it’s SO beautiful that Mitch McConnell is looking forward to the historic moment when he can unveil his master work, in all of its glory, to the American public. And you will see. And you will know. That this is the goodness that Mitch hath MADE AND YOU WILL KNOW HIS NAME IS MCCONNELL! AND THAT THIS IS HIS!


I want you to remember that part. When you do finally see this bill on Thursday, I want you to remember that it belongs to Mitch McConnell. To Mitch McConnell and to Paul Ryan and to Donald Trump. They brought this.

1) You are 100% Planning on screwing over as many Americans as possible, and you don’t want your constituents to know you’re planning on killing them until the sword is hilt deep.

2) You got nothing, and you are too embarrassed to show your work (if said work exists).

3) You’re onto something so brilliant and ingenious that you want to get it through before anyone else sees it and attempts to share credit.

Now, on behalf of all at-risk Americans, I hope the reason for the AHCA secrecy is #3…but Mitch McConnell doesn’t strike me as a #3 type of guy. He strikes me as a #1 type of guy who’s too lazy to even breach #2.

Mitch McConnell strikes me as a mercenary coward who is being paid to kill off millions of Americans. Mitch McConnell strikes me as the kind of guy who had a sitting Senator lie about a treatable medical condition to get him out of Army service but wants you to die either A) because of a treatable medical condition or B) in military service in one of his wars. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t have A and I’m too old for B, so I have a pretty neutral perspective in this one.

I really do hope Mitch McConnell pulls a revolutionary universal health care bill out of the closet, unites America and saves the republic. I HOPE…but sometimes hope is the enemy. Sometimes, you have to abandon hope, know that you are almost certainly on the verge of losing a number of friends and relatives at the whim of the donor class and tell Mitch McConnell that if he wants to go to war war with the American people, we will take his job.

God hates a coward, Mitch.

Aside: I barely mentioned Donald Trump in this assessment of the heretofore unseen Trumpcare bill because Trump has no idea what’s in the bill. Even if Trump knew what was in the bill, he wouldn’t understand the words and concepts. And he wouldn’t care. Trump only seems to care about 2 things:

1) Erasing Obama’s legacy. Being the white guy who takes the black guy’s name off of everything positive he did for America and the world…and everything negative, apparently (Trump is clearly trying to shatter Obama’s bombing record)…Trump doesn’t discriminate when it comes to merit…Trump only discriminates when it comes to race, ethnicity, gender, nationality and religion.

2) Not getting outed, abandoned or “disappeared” by his benefactors (who may or may not be Russian oligarchs aka the Russian mob aka the Russian government) when they come to collect on all of the financial and political assistance they’ve delivered to keep him on TV, out of jail and out of the poorhouse.





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